I have PTSD. It’s a weird type of mental illness. Medication does not work, because it can’t work. What is wrong is not an imbalance of anything that can be corrected. I need talk therapy, so that I can learn to live with my differences. I need to learn how to live in the world, which is unfamiliar and strange to me. I need to learn how to navigate relationships so that they blossom. I need to learn how to live myself when I fail at times. Medication can not do that for me, nor can hospitalisation. I need to be surrounded with family, friends (those who are willing), and my own things.

I have a brain, and I like to use it, so when I hear or read of people who think that I need medication and/or hospitalisation in order to get better, I wonder what drugs they are currently on. How could anyone who does not know me, or ever met me, know what is right for me? And why does anyone presume to think that I lack the ability to know what is right for me? I have a mental illness – I am not stupid.

I know what I need in order to “get better”. I need talk therapy with someone I trust. Someone I have built a relationship with. Someone who understands me and what I have been through. I have found this someone, and she is about to be ripped away from me because of my socioeconomic status.

Now I understand that the mental health system in this country needs reform. I have been diagnosed with depression, dysthymia, borderline personality disorder and a few other things. I have been medicated and hospitalised. I have seen things occur in hospitals that I assumed went out of style in the dark ages, and despite never once copping an attitude myself, I have bore the brunt of some of these atrocities. The mental health system needs reform and I would not like to stand in the way of that. There are a lot of things that need to change but one stands out as blindingly obvious to anyone who has ever had a long-term severe mental illness: The biggest single issue that people with a mental illness face today in Australia is a lack of options. And cutting the Better Access Scheme cuts these options.

Now I’ve had quite the history with all manner of mental health services. Psychiatric nurses in public hospitals were the first to tell me to “get out. Get out now and don’t come back”. They were trying to warn me of impending doom, and they were right. Psychiatrists on power trips were the order of the day, and it was doom to anyone who challenged their awesome power. Access to private psychiatrists can be just as doomed. Mainly because there are so few of them in regional areas so if you come across a bad one or one that doesn’t fit right with your particular personality, you may not have the option of getting a referral to someone else. CAT teams are so vastly under-funded and under-resourced that they answer only to those who are truly psychotic and everyone else has to fend for themselves (including those who are suicidal). And while the usual call if you are feeling suicidal is always suggested to be Lifeline, in my experience, their wonderful volunteers are poorly trained to deal with true crisis situations.

ATAPS is another project that is available however the idea of the possibility of seeing someone different each visit does not appeal to someone with obvious trust issues. In any case, their visits are also capped, and they are designed to be for “mild to moderate” cases. The only other option is to see a psychologist. Eighteen visits a year for a long term illness is nowhere near enough and cutting this down to ten borders on neglect of some of our most vulnerable citizens. The great thing about seeing a psychologist is that for people such as myself, it is also the best option out there. I can choose who I see, how often, at a time that suits us both. I can see the same person over and over. This option is being cut nearly in half however, with only the wealthy having access.

My dream is to have a job. To hold a job for longer than my previous record of nine months. I’m pretty bright and catch on quickly and I did rather well at my last place of employment. At this point in time, even if I were to find an employer, I would not be able to hold a job for very long. My aim with therapy is to find a way of working in society well enough to hold a job. I could choose to paint instead, and never venture outside my house, however I’m not that good an artist, and would probably live on benefits for quite a while. I actually want to pay tax. That in itself could be said to be a sign of mental illness, but I do hope that readers simply take it as a desire to be a part of the community.

In order to get that job, and hold it, I need help. I need help that is about to be ripped away from me. Without my regular appointments, I will stagnate, if not decline into another suicidal mess. I have no intention of living half a life. I’m greedy – I want it all: a job, a hobby or two, and more happy days than sad ones. I’m willing to work to get it and I’m willing to pay tax later to pay society back, but right now I need a loan and the government is saying “no”.

But such as my story is – it doesn’t scare me half as much as the story of my son. He is six. He has Asperger’s. He needs psychological treatment in order to learn how to live in society too, as well as deal with his anxiety. He doesn’t have a mental illness, so other avenue’s for those with a mental illness are not applicable to him. His only option for receiving psychological treatment is the Better Access Scheme. I can do his Occupational Therapy at home, but given my own lack of mental health, trying to undertake the role of psychologist is, I’m sure you’ll agree, not our best course of action.

He is six years old. He has no other options available to him. We have little funding available for him as his diagnosis came after his sixth birthday (which is another vent for another time).

A point that seems to be lost in this debate is the fact that psychologists are needed for more than just the mentally ill. They are needed for a range of other things. I also have a physical disability, and have seen the need to speak to my psychologist on a range of items regarding that issue as well. I’m sure that there are a lot of people with physical disabilities who use the services of a psychologist to help them deal with their disability. They do not need medication for a mental illness because they do not have a mental illness, and they certainly do not need to be in hospital, or seeing a private psychiatrist, or visiting a mental health centre of any description.

There are many other things that are wrong with our mental health system. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is not the be-all and end-all, and medication is rarely the answer (especially children). These issues will also need to be resolved in time. First though, is the bigger issue of choice.

I have a mental illness. I am not an idiot. I am quite capable of determining for myself, what works for me. More than that, I am a mother whose heart bleeds every time she sees her son in anxiety pain, and whose heart soars when she sees what an effect seeing his psychologist is having. He’s six years old. What did he ever do to our government that leads them to feel he is not worthy of every available chance of a normal and happy life?