I’m 26 years old. I’ve lived the past 8 of those years with an eating disorder (anorexia nervosa, purge-type), and a further 5 years prior to that having engaged in various other methods of self-destructive behaviours. These destructive behaviors were both symptomatic and a desperate attempt to “self-treat” a greater internal pain beyond my control that I would later learn to be Depression. Depression and self-hatred have been my experience since I was around 12 years old.

Finally over more than a decade, at 23 years old, I decided that it was time that I asked for help and it was with great resentment that I would do so. I had ALWAYS dealt with this absolute HELL on my own having grown up in a family where we didn’t have an exceptionally close emotional bond, nor were my family accepting or tolerant of outward emotional expression other than a “positive” one. In being that way, I learnt that my emotional experience was a personal matter not to be shared and to deal with on my own. I spent a major chunk of my life smiling on the outside only to mute my cries coming from the inside, out of fear that I would shame myself and shame my loved ones if I didn’t keep the secret.

I spent a solid 2 years in treatment of varying levels– outpatient, and then intensive outpatient (IOP), and then inpatient, and then IOP again, and then inpatient again, and then IOP again, and then outpatient, and then inpatient again, and then outpatient DBT, and now outpatient again. IOP and inpatient helped to physically/mentally stabilize me when I was at greatest risk to myself, but as most of you who have experienced mental illness (particularly eating disorders) or who work with people who live with mental illness know, there is still a LONG, hard road ahead of you to travel post-hospitalization/IOP in order to reach recovery and maintenance – Cue: psychologists.

I began to see a psychologist who I sought out due to her experience with eating disorders. I saw her for just over a year, weekly (as well as my GP and my psychiatrist at the time). It wasn’t much of an option; I knew that I just had to be receiving that amount of support if I wanted to stay on track in my recovery. For 18 of those sessions (12 + 6 under exceptional circumstances) I received a medicare rebate under the Better Access to Mental Health Scheme (which put me out-of-pocket $50/session rather than $175/session). For the rest of the year, I paid $175/week, almost every week. I was out of work due to my health and seriously eating through my dwindling savings account rapidly.

It got to the point where I simply couldn’t afford to see my psychologist anymore, forcing me to terminate treatment with her. I was struggling a lot at this point in time and it was probably a time that I actually needed MORE support rather than less (read: none). Not even mentioning the HUGE disruption that this caused in my treatment (hopelessness, helplessness, broken rapport with someone who I was finally learning to trust which took over a period of a year to establish to that level), trying to find alternative, accessible, affordable, adequate support that I needed was proving to be an extremely difficult task, especially while being in the state I was in.

I contacted the mental health triage who referred me to my local area mental health triage who referred me to my local area’s mental health service who provide psychological treatment. After a long-winded process, I was eventually placed on a (long) waiting list to see someone. Had I not explored and luckily found another option, I would have waited 3-4 months to finally see someone. I enquired about a public DBT treatment program (recommended by my past professionals) only to be declined access to treatment purely based on the fact that I have an eating disorder history apparently deeming me unsuitable for their program without an individual assessment or even direct contact with anyone other than their receptionist at the program. It was repeatedly suggested that I contact eating disorder programs despite my attempts to explain that, at the time, it was not an eating disorder program (which mainly tend to focus on eating symptomology) that I needed, but psychological treatment for my underlying issues and conditions. They told me that this was all they could suggest and advise. They were NO help.

I eventually got into contact with a psychological service that bulk-bill and began to see a psychologist there,again under the Better Access to Mental Health Scheme. This meant that I could see someone there for 16 sessions (10 + 6 under exceptional circumstances) without out-of-pocket expenses. Although I knew that once I had used those 16 sessions up that I would be back at square one struggling to make ends meet to get the support I need, it was the only available option I had in a desperate time of need. I exceeded those 16 sessions after trying to space out the frequency of sessions as much as I could cope with, in attempts to savor the sessions for as long into the year as possible. Now I am paying money that I can barely afford to pay and thus attending therapy less frequently than I need. I know I should probably seek and wait (the long wait) for the treatment through the public system for the long run, but to be honest I don’t think I can go through the stop-start-again disruption all over again, and I’m terribly reluctant to make contact with a system that I don’t feel treated me well or helpfully.

I’ve spent over half of my life living with mental illness. I’ve spent over half of my life developing, engaging in, and reinforcing destructive behaviors to help alleviate my mental illness because I felt like I couldn’t reach out. This is not simply an everyday stress I’m dealing with, this is a lifetime struggle that takes years to overcome (in fact, about 7 years for eating disorders), yet I’m expected to recover and maintain recovery from my mental illness with a dismal 10 sessions per year? Or turn to a public health system for treatment programs only to be turned away for the precise reason they exist? Or wait for up to 3-6 months for a publically funded psychologist?

I’m grateful for those sessions that have allowed me to access treatment without or with lessened out-of-pocket expense, but 16 hasn’t been enough, 18 wasn’t even enough, so 10 is pathetic. If there were accessible, adequate public services that offered an alternative, then maybe this would be a different story, but the fact of the matter is the public system is failing people.